Dorrien's Hotel
by Lady Carrea
Summary: This is a Christmas Challenge fic set by the BMT forum and it is completely wacky and includes real life stuff. I hope you all find it funny!


Author Note:

Before you read the fic i have a few things i have to point out

1. I would never ever write a fic with real life stuff in, but because of the nature of the challenge i have had to so i have included swearing in to also add to the humour. These challenges are the only ones i will have with real life stuff in cause i find it really annoying.

2. There are so many references to so many things in this fic! I reckon the list would be as long as the fic is! Anybody curious where something comes from point it out and i shall enlighten you.

* * *

It was winter. Cold, bitter and there was snow everywhere. So much in fact that all the reber had blended in; just once in a while bleating to tell everyone they were still there. It was nearing Christmas and everyone in the Guild had decided to go and visit the countryside, with all their servants. And horses. So the North Road was jammed with carriages taking up all the room, and making so much noise that the slum dwellers had packed their blanket bags and had invaded the Guild. The magicians didn't mind however because the prospect of a holiday was enthralling and it also meant they didn't have to do the Christmas washing up. Some bright magician had suggested the idea of a dress up, and since everybody was bored of the same robes day after day, they had immediately ran out and bought the most ridiculous extravagant thing they could find. A bunch of Alchemists had even dyed their hair green and said they were elves, which led to an elven hunt by the local farmers. So Lorlen had locked them up in a carriage and sent them off to find a proper holiday destination (cause the road was getting boring) before the King noticed that it was slum dwellers roaming round in robes, and not them.

Two hours and a few minutes later they had arrived fat and covered with mince pie crumbs looking mischievous. "So what did you find?" Lorlen asked, jingling along in his reindeer outfit.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yes."

"But you are all fat!"

"That is discriminatory and not politically correct!"

"Ok, you are all over the recommend weight chosen by the coolest magicians in the Guild, which has been approved by the King and... Is that mince pie crumbs?"

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"No?"

"Yes."

"I think you are lying!"

"That is discrim-"

"Will you shut up!" Lorlen shouted, frantically jingling around, subsequently summoning all the servants. Suddenly they were all bombarded with hundreds of different servants offering whatever they could find.

"Would you like my left boot?"

"How about this stone?"

"M'lord how about this snotty tissue?"

"Ewwww!" Everyone screamed and fled the area in an instant. Lorlen blasted the tissue with a firestrike, blowing up the servant along with it in a shower of pretty fireworks.

"Do you think it is safe to come out?" Osen called from a tree, pretending to be an oversized pine cone. "Because there are scary things up here. Jerrik is giving me very weird looks."

"Jerrik? What are you playing at?"

"Nothing Administrator."

"That's alright then. Now on to our holiday!"

"Holiday!" They all cheered and crowded back into their cramped carriages, except Akkarin who had to sit on the roof.

"Can we stop at the Anuren Dark factory?" Akkarin said with gleaming eyes, hidden deep within his wine bottle costume.

"Yes if you stop trying to grope me!"

"That was Osen this time." Akkarin pouted and went off to sulk.

"Osen, how many times have I told you?" Lorlen sighed, sounding like a chastising mother. Mumbling about his pine cone needs, Osen went off to sulk with Akkarin, bringing out his plush version of Lorlen with glee. "Lead the way little fat elves!" Lorlen called out to the Alchemists and poked them with a broom. As they ran off on their hands, the rest of the Guild carriage parade followed, trailed by thousands of horses, and a dancing pink limek. Eventually after a few hundred snowy bleating hills they came to gigantic black sign. Below was a red button saying push me on it.

"Who should push it?" Lorlen asked the higher magicians.

"You should." Chimed in the Head of disciplines.

"Why not you Vinara?"

"I am not Vinara, I am a Christmas tree." She replied making the lights on her costume twinkle.

"Balkan?"

"I don't think it is appropriate for me to go out right now."

"What? Why- Where are your clothes?" Lorlen cried shielding his eyes.

"Well they just disappeared." He grumbled looking at Vinara suspiciously.

"Don't blame me, I am just a tree." She exclaimed. Before they could blame Sarrin however, he fled out of the door and down the road.

"It'd be a bit obvious if it was him, wouldn't it." Balkan commented dryly.

"Yes it- Woah!" Lorlen screeched as a blonde head appeared from the floor.

"Hi there!" He grinned manically. "Oh my goodness you are naked. I have just the thing for that." Suddenly he disappeared and the carriage door opened. "Now I only have a few samples on me," said the blonde man dressed as a horse, "but maybe they'll do."

"What on earth are you on about?" Balkan frowned at him disapprovingly.

"Pants."

"Pants?"

"Yes, I collect them. And you can buy them for only 9.99 gold today!"

"Why-"

"But wait! There's more! If you pick one of our specially crafted alarm vibrating pairs then you get a free bottle of sock wax!"

"Sock wax? But-"

"I know what you are thinking," he nodded fervently. "You are thinking that I am a madman only giving you sock wax. Well it's your lucky day mister. For just an added 2 gold you can not only get a bottle of sock conditioner on top, but I will throw in not one, but seventeen, yes seventeen copies of my newest book!"

"Sold!" Balkan yelled bashing a hammer on the floor.

"Wait!" Lorlen interrupted quickly. "Will you push that button for us first please?"

"The big red shiny button?" He wailed over-enthusiastically, "I have always wanted to press the big red shiny button!" Jumping out of the carriage he ran up to it, but stopped before pressing it. "Dannyl, Dannyl! Come quickly!"

"What is it?" Dannyl cried from an unexpected manhole in the road.

"I get to press the big red shiny button!"

"The big red shiny button? But that's illegal!"

"It says press me, Dannyl. Cor, you are such an idiot sometimes. Do you have the camera?"

"No I don't! You leant it to Osen who took pictures of Lorlen's backside and subsequently broke it because he took so many. And then he didn't replace it. The fiend!" Climbing out of the manhole, Dannyl waved to his Thief friends and skipped over to Tayend. "How about we just pretend?"

"Fantastic!"

"Ok, say cheese!"

"Cheese? Why cheese, there are many more foods which are nicer and much more slippery on the tongue."

"Hmm, what about fish fingers?"

"Preposterous! I can't say fish fingers! Fish don't have fingers."

Many days later Dannyl managed to solve the problem completely. "Anchovies?"

"Anchovies... Anchovies. Perfect!"

Mimicking a camera, Dannyl held his hands up. "Click. There done."

"I do hope that picture comes out great!"

"Yes, now you can press the button." Happily Tayend reached out to press the button, but found that someone had beaten him to it, and the whole procession of carriages had disappeared.

"Bollocks."

* * *

Meanwhile twenty miles down the road and across a shaky bridge, the Guild were sat looking for an accurate map.

"We are here, we must be, look at that rock. It's purple. Now look on the map, there is a purple spot. This must be it!" Balkan roared in his new frilly pants.

"Balkan you are looking at a mushroom." Lorlen pointed out.

"It can still be a map. Don't you dare judge my mushroom."

"Just admit it, we are lost!" Vinara bawled and began running round in circles.

"Where did those elves go?"

"Where did those elves go?" Osen mimicked squeakily with the Lorlen plush doll.

"Where did you get that?" Lorlen said amazed and frightened at the fact Osen had a replica of him. "So that's where my mini Lorlen went!" Akkarin screamed. "How dare you steal one of them! Mini Akkarin has been looking _everywhere_ for him."

Osen ignored them however and Lorlen plush doll carried on squeaking "I think the way is over those hills. I heard there was a legendary hotel the likes that no-one has ever seen."

"Is that so little Lorlen, wow you are so knowledgeable."

"Why thank you Osen, you are so kind and generous, let me give you a hug."

"Aww little Lorlen how nice of you." Osen began sobbing and held the plush doll tight in his arms.

"Get your filthy hands off him!" Akkarin yelled and tried to pull the couple apart. "He is mine! _Mine mine mine mine mine! _All mine!"

"Well little Lorlen doesn't want to live with you any more, he told me himself. He thinks that you are too bossy and he doesn't like having a bath with you." Bursting out into floods of tears Akkarin ran off, trying his best not to trip over in his inflated wine bottle costume.

"He must be on about Dorrien's hotel!" Exclaimed Yikmo. "It is only the most famous historical hotel passed down from generation to generation with the secret hotelling techniques kept a family secret and the only place where you might wake up with a reber in your bed if you are not careful!" Collapsing out of breath, Yikmo dug out a pamphlet out of his pocket and passed it over.

"The legend is true!" Little Lorlen squealed happily. "Let us go and find it my dear Osen!" Slipping little Lorlen into his pine cone pocket, they embarked on the grand mission to seek out the legendary Dorrien's Hotel. They trekked across the tar pit of fluffiness and the invisible sea of sumi leaves and nostril hair until they finally came to the golden gate of glowing. Beyond that was the hotel. Fourty three and a third floors tall, with twenty basements and an extra basement for a rock collection from the nearby mountains. And a slide for the reber. Snow began to fall heavily and Osen the pine cone braved the treacherous snow hills and evil snowmen until finally they stood outside the door.

"What took you so long?" Lorlen asked curiously, "we have been here for hours! The road was clear all the way."

"We fought many evil snowmen and one avalanche to get here! We deserve a medal!"

"Here, have a reber." Beamed Dorrien taking a reber out of his reber sack. "But you must take good care of them! Now, I must go save the stranded reber for I AM REBERMAN!" Donning a red cloak, he ran off making whoosh noises.

* * *

Unfortunately some magicians had stopped for a biscuit break and were now stranded in a pile of bleating snow. They were joined by Tayend who was trying to sell pants to the nearby reber, but with no luck.

"I really don't think they want pants." Dannyl the pirate commented.

"Nonsense!" Tayend cried and kept on pestering them all.

"I already have pants!" One told him. "And I am not a real reber."

"Dannyl! Look! I have found a talking reber. We are going to get millions if we sell it."

"Wow would you look at that. But this reber is a bit odd shaped." He said critically. The reber was trying her best to tell them both she wasn't a real reber when out of nowhere flew Dorrien in his red cloak.

"It's ok my little reber friends, for I am here now and you will all be saved. To infinity and beyond!"

"Wait a minute." Tayend cried out. "To infinity and beyond? Firstly, you aren't going to infinity because that is just impossible, and secondly beyond infinity? That is just ridiculous. In all reality you have just ran down the road and will only travel back again."

"You are right talking horse. To down the road to save my reber friends, and back again!" Making more whooshing noises Dorrien ran around scooping up reber with an icecream scoop and popping them in his sack. Little reber heads poked out of the top, donning sunglasses to avoid glare from the sun as they had all read Tayend's book on healthcare.

"Don't take the talking one. I am going to be a millionaire thanks to it."

"Talking reber?" Dorrien cried skidding to a halt. "Where?" Whilst they had all been talking, the talking not really a reber had walked off.

"Arr! There it is." Dannyl pointed with his giant inflatable sword.

"She! She she she! I am a she!" She yelled at them. "And for the last time, I am not a real reber."

"It's ok little one." Dorrien proclaimed proudly. "All sorts of reber are welcome at my hotel." Running up to her he scooped her up and held her under his arm, then dashed back off to the hotel, leaving Tayend crying about his lost riches in the snow.

Back inside the hotel, Lorlen had managed to squeeze everyone into their rooms and could finally sit down at the fireplace. However when he got there he was startled to see it being shielded by a giant nose.

"What is going on here? Other people need heat too." He yelled at the nose.

"I'm stuck." The poor burnt magician wriggled. "I only came to warm my feet and now I look like I am from Lonmar."

"That's racist!" Accused an elven Alchemist switching the heads around on his jelly babies sweets.

"That's torturous!" Lorlen said gobsmacked, and confiscated them immediately. "Now let me have some heat or I'll cut off the water."

"Emergency! Emergency! Coming through!"

"What the-"

"The reber are dying here!" Dorrien called pushing his way through to the fireplace. Shoving the gigantic nose out of the way, he carefully brought out all the reber and lined them up in front of the fire, then proceeded to lavish them all with food and drink. "There you go." He said happily and ran off again.

"Now there are reber taking up the heat." Lorlen moaned on and on and on. Seeing that one of the reber was actually a person in costume he frowned. "Hey wait a minute. Is that you Carrea?"

"What, no! Baaa!" Carrea said inconspicuously.

"That's it! I have had enough of other magicians taking all the heat before me." Striding up to Carrea he grabbed her arm and started to drag her away.

"Stop you criminal!" Dorrien said disentangling himself from his cloak. "You can't touch the reber."

"This isn't a reber. This is just a magician in costume."

"Baaa, bugger off." Carrea hissed at him.

"Well said little reber, well said." Dorrien nodded proudly. "Now you criminal, to the dungeon with you, muahahahaha."

"But look," he shrieked in protest and pulled down the hood of the costume. "See, this is no reber. She is an imposter." Everyone in the room gasped audibly and dropped whatever they were holding. Somewhere a gong sounded.

"Reber court."

"Reber court!" Three little reber sang in unison. The room shifted suddenly and they all found themselves in a courtroom.

"Now mister reindeer." Dorrien began now clad in a suit. "In your own words, please tell the courtroom what makes you think this innocent little reber here is an imposter."

"Well," Lorlen began looking bewildered. "She can talk for starters. And she has a name, and look at her face that's not a reber face. And how can you not see that it is just a costume, you can see her hands for crying out loud." The reber gasped out suddenly and began bleating angrily and accusingly.

"Wait little reber, it will be your time soon." Dorrien shushed them and turned to face Carrea, "now little not reber called Carrea, what is your defence?"

"Err, baaa ba baaaaa baa baa baaaaaaaaaaa."

"What a flawless defence." He said beginning to cry, "there is no way you aren't a reber. Case closed! Take the reindeer to the dungeon." From the doorway came two yetis with pitchforks which began prodding Lorlen all the way down to the dungeon of doom and daydreams.

* * *

"This is not how I wanted to spend my Christmas holiday!" Lorlen wailed from his cell.

"This is not how I wanted to spend my Christmas holiday!" Wailed little Lorlen from the adjacent cell.

"Not you again."

"Yes me again. Osen was a bad bad boy and so I have come to keep him company."

"Will he get coal for Christmas?"

"He will indeed." Little Lorlen said sadly. "Right, now I am off. People to see, people to meet, and people to strangle, and the likes." Hopping through the bars, little Lorlen walked off merrily with a rope in his hands.

"Don't leave me alone little clone."

"Don't worry," little Lorlen waved, "Osen found Akkarin's stash of us." Insane chuckling came from the darkened cell in the corner, followed by smaller adorable chuckles and a cough.

"So, ye don't want ye to be alone. And want ye to be accompaneed with a clone? Well ye came to the right placee." Osen called menacingly. "I have seen it. The stash of ye. Akkarin even has shampoo bottles in the shape of ye."

"What is with this speech impediment of yours? It is really becoming! I'm sure you'll be able to seduce even the stupidest bolhouse lout with it."

"Why thank ye. It was actually an accident. I got into a fight with the infamous salesman with a moustache."

"And you are alive?" Lorlen said surprised. "It's a miracle."

"Lorlen Lorlen. I've come to bust you out of jail." Said an unknown figure from a hole in the ground. "I've dug from the surface."

"Excuse me," Lorlen said critically, "and I do say so politely, but who the bloody hell are you?"

"I am Coren. I built this place!"

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Oh, fuck, have I done it again? Narvelan, I did it again, I dug into the future. Seriously you need to stop giving me magical spades. Sorry about this." He apologised and undug the hole, mysteriously disappearing into the aether.

* * *

It was finally Christmas Eve. Lorlen was still in jail, the reber were still in front of the fire in luxury and Tayend was still selling pants. Balkan had been so impressed by the quality he had bought another case load and enrolled Tayend as the city's pants salesman. He had also taken up knitting. And was still wandering round in only pants. Across the room Yikmo glared at him warily and brought out a lump of wax and began rubbing it on his humongous muscley arms. Despite Balkan ignoring him, Yikmo stood up angrily and roared violently.

"Who do you think you are wandering around with those puny muscles? This hotel is only big enough for one muscley man, and that is me."

"Keep your non existent socks on man."

"No socks? Well do I have the offer of the century for you." Tayend popped up with a briefcase.

"I am too manly for socks." Yikmo said arrogantly. "See these muscles, they eat ninety eggs for breakfast twice an hour everyday. I am not going to compromise this manliness with a pair of frilly pink socks."

"I have red ones too."

"Who do you think I am, Father Christmas? Do you really think my muscles are strong enough to be carrying round bags of presents with the help of a reindeer."

"Yes, yes I do. They are pretty huge."

"Then it is true! I am Father Christmas! Now I must go find a reindeer. Lorlen!" Stomping his way down to the dungeon he bashed twenty prison guards and stopped for a breather. Seeing a convenient lift, he jumped inside. The door closed softly and locked firmly as Rothen descended from the ceiling dressed as a fairy.

"Hi there, I am the Christmas fairy!" He said sweetly and swam around in the air. "You look like a Mr. Grumpy so you can have some little sparkles," bringing out a tube of glitter he poured it on Yikmo's head and rubbed it in. "And a wreath necklace for joy. And a little teddybear for if you get scared, and a tin soldier for if you need a soldier to fight for you, and oh look I found a pink comb with your name on!" Rothen slipped the wreath around Yikmo's neck and piled items in his arms. "There you go, now you are Mr. Sparkle-flower-comb-bear-soldier man. Now you can leave, and have a great day!"

"Thank you Mr. Christmas fairy!" Yikmo waved with a grin on his face, then bashed through the door and began roaring again. "Oi, Lorlen. Be my reindeer for I am Santa!"

"What the bloody hell are you on about now?"

"You, me, sled, now." He pointed to a piece of wood he found.

"I don't like what you are insinuating here." Lorlen said frightened and ran into the corner of the cell.

"We must deliver presents before it is too late!" The ominously glowing clock on the wall struck twelve and Yikmo began crying, "it's too late! Now all the little boys and girls will hunt me down with sniper rifles."

"There there." Rothen said patting him on the back. "You can't get it right every year, so I have done it for you. Now let's go have lunch before everyone eats it."

"What about us?" Lorlen called sadly. A hole in the wall opened up and out slipped a plastic tray sectioned off with little portions of food. "A microwave Christmas dinner? Nooooooo!"

* * *

Unable to hear Lorlen's screams, the rest of the Guild sat happily at the mile long table eating their freshly cooked Quorn turkey (because Takan forbid anyone killing any of his turkeys). Presents had been opened and lay strewn all over the floor, and now everyone was pulling crackers and trying to put party hats on their costumes. A Warrior who decided to dress as a sword was having the most trouble, unable to reach the end so ended up wearing it as a wristband. And at the other side of the table, a Healer, dressed as the Guild, was unable to decide where the party hat should go.

"Food fight!" Called a rebellious warrior in a sparkly dress. And they fought with their food for the rest of the day, until Lorlen escaped jail with a butter knife and told them off.


End file.
